Ever since I changed my beliefs from an organized religion dogma based model to a simple, I am the Creator of my own reality, and I am 100% responsible for whatever is my Life model, it’s been filled with scares and thrills, contrasts, observations and very much a getting acquainted with who I really am. I’m like meeting my Self for the very first time. But unlike the typical meet a stranger and become acquainted interaction that occurs with two people first time met, I don’t have the luxury of deciding that I’m not into the relationship, and walking away! I mean, it’s the real ME I’m getting to know. And the bullshit of putting one’s best face forward just doesn’t work, now does it! Yes, it’s viscerally raw more times than not, confronting the patterns, the habits, the faulty beliefs and assumptions accumulated over 60+ years of living! Finding the simplest effective approach, with the least amount of drama, and arrive renewed and invigorated is still my strategy, even as I peel the layers back to the all that is ME.
I do get knocked about often, especially since I am married to someone that has their own agenda and reality. And there is that belief-if Life gives you lemons, make lemonade advice, that I use to make if feel that that behavior is acceptable. But wait….I’m the Creator, I’m giving my Self the lemons, what’s up with that?!? Whoa, and here is another underlying belief under that, that there is no gain without pain. So is there truth that I’m using this relationship as an excuse to justify my own personal growth in some sort of masochistic way? Hold on a moment-there are strategies to gaining growth and expansion gradually without pain, so having this “pain” as an reoccurring daily element does give me pause…..oh, shit….
It does take all of my energy some days, to just get out of bed and DO, and by that I mean, take action of some sort. Because my challenges overwhelm my conscious minds ability to figure out the “right” course. Because I fear making mistakes, to the point of real paralysis! Still, I am crafty…. apparently, in this regard-because, after all, I am THE CREATOR of my reality, yes?!? Crafty, because the pattern interrupts so creatively fashioned, are not so disabling as to be permanently harmful to my physical body and yet serious enough to prod me to act on those choices, instead of putting them off another minute, hour, day, year.
Absent from this stage is a close friend, one that could comfort and cheer me on. No. I have to do this myself. I very much desire rock solid intuition, and a self-knowing feeling from deep within, to be my compass, cheerleader, witness, coach and guide. And so the journey continues, moment by moment…